


Poison Lady Anissina and the Parasite King

by Zanganito



Series: Poison Lady Anissina [1]
Category: Kyou Kara Maou!
Genre: Bad Puns, Crack, Gen, Humor, Mad Science, Nematodes, Parasites, Parody, Science Experiments, Trematodes, Women Being Awesome, Women in Science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:32:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zanganito/pseuds/Zanganito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Poison Lady Anissina adventure, in which the heroic Poison Lady saves the day!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Poison Lady in Her Element

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Kyo kara Maou or make any profit from this fanfic.  
> Rated K+: For mild violence, explosions, and wormy parasites.  
> Author’s Note: This is a Poison Lady Anissina Children’s Book AU.

**_Prologue:  Evolution of a Helminth_ **

_Once upon a time there was a very lonely helminth(1).    It wasn’t very good at getting its own food or regulating its body temperature to compensate for fluctuations in the environment.  Its days were spent swimming through the murky waters of a remote pond, and infesting the occasional fish to produce its offspring.  But something was not right.  Most of the parasitized fish perished.  And the offspring that managed to survive were weak and sickly.  Eventually the helminth figured that perhaps the fish were too weak to serve as suitable hosts._

_Then one day the helminth sensed heat.  There was another being nearby, and it was warm. Not cold and small like the fish, no; this being was more powerful, radiating excess body heat to the surrounding water.  ‘Surely a being so powerful would make a suitable host’.  The helminth thought, as it inched closer.  It entered, finding little resistance, and was soon engulfed by the powerful, comforting heat.  Yes, this being would make an excellent host._

_And it evolved, as parasites often will, inflicting less damage on the host over subsequent generations, in fact it could even be considered to benefit the host in time.  For the helminth found that if it produced certain mind-controlling kairomones(2), the host was able to acquire even more power.  And this increased power allowed the adult helminth to take on a form that greatly resembled its host, enabling the adult to care for and protect the host, ensuring an even higher rate of offspring viability.  Yes, the relationship could almost be considered symbiotic, except that the host’s reproductive system was compromised in a way that caused it to only be able to give birth to parasite babies._

_And the helminths became bolder in their quest for power, infesting those nearest to positions of power, and those destined to acquire positions of leadership.  Wars occasionally erupted as a result of this single-minded quest for additional power, but the helminth cared little.  It cared only for its own kind, and the creation of more parasite baby-carrying hosts.   This carelessness eventually backfired when the manipulations of some of the hosts caused them to lose their lives while still full of immature parasites._

_As a result, the helminth decided that it would have to become more subtle in its methods in order to avoid extinction._

_-ooo-ooo-_

 

_King Saralegui was certainly beautiful to behold; his flaxen silky hair cascaded down his back, enveloping his body in a veil.  And he would tilt his head just so on occasion, giving onlookers a glimpse of the golden-green eyes that he kept hidden behind his lavender glasses.  But there was something more than simple good looks.  And the townspeople would gaze upon the boy-King, often wondering at the source of his inexplicable charm, charisma, and elegance._

_Very rarely would the townspeople wonder at the King’s devoted bodyguard.  True, Beries protected the King with fierce loyalty, loath to leave his side.  But there was another reason behind Beries’ devotion.  A purely selfish wormy parasitic reason…_

 

**Chapter 1:  The Poison Lady in Her Element**

 

Lady Anissina von Karbelnikoff lined all her flasks up in a row.  She carefully added a drop of acid to the first one, and then made a careful note of the subsequent color change in her laboratory notes. 

 

She continued with this for hours, never wavering in her concentration.  Then she decided it was time for something more exciting. As cool as titration sounded, it could get a little repetitive after a while. Counting out drops of liquid was the type of work for minions, not scientists.  Anissina frowned as she tried to remember why Doria and Lazania weren’t around to help.  Oh well, it didn’t matter.  Maybe it was time to experiment with that that strange metal that His Eminence had given to her as a gift.

 

She picked up the soft chalky metal.   His Eminence has said that it was called sodium when he had given it to her.  Then he had winked and told her to have fun. She held the metal in the palm of her hand and stared at it some more.  First and foremost, Anissina was a woman of science.  But she could be a little whimsical every now and then.  Like now for instance.   She imagined that something in the metal known as electrons were calling out to her. They wanted something. …to be released…to be thrown…into a container of water.  Yes that was it!

 

With a maniacal glint in her eye and a shriek of delighted laughter she tossed the metal into a nearby bucket of water and ducked for cover.

 

BOOM!  The castle shuddered with the force of the explosion. A few chunks of mortar were dislodged from between nearby bricks.

 

GUSH!  The bucket contents made a nice imitation of a geyser and doused water all over her lab bench and glassware.

 

The Bad Omen birds that had been perched outside her laboratory window squawked and flew away.

 

Anissina stood up and surveyed the damage.   That had been really fun.  Almost as fun as lighting hydrogen on fire, but not quite as destructive.  She would have to try it again sometime!

 

Far off in another section of the castle, a grumpy eyebrow twitched spasmodically.

 

-ooo-ooo-

 

A short time later, grumpy Gwendal appeared and started complaining about boring grumpy things like “King Saralegui is arriving for a diplomatic visit tomorrow and we can’t have all this exploding nonsense going on around the castle.” 

 

Anissina stared at Gwendal as his wrinkles became deeper and his hands made knitting motions.  Like the sodium, Gwendal was also trying to tell her something. 

 

Yes!  Gwendal wanted to be rescued from his monotonous paperwork and mundane diplomatic duties.   He wanted to experience the thrill of science…as a TEST SUBJECT!

 

“…You understand, of course?”  Gwendal finished with a grumpy twitch of his eye.

 

“Yes, I do,”  she said with conviction.  Then her eyes lit up and sparkles appeared spontaneously in the air around her. 

 

Gwendal gulped and stepped back, as if realizing for the first time the foolishness of confronting the infamous Poison Lady Anissina in her own lab. Maybe hours of paperwork had addled his brain.  Or maybe Anissina was right and he subconsciously wanted to be rescued from the boringness!

 

“You want to help me try out my latest invention, don’t you?” she gushed as she grabbed Gwendal by the collar of his uniform and dragged him into the depths of her lab. 

 

“I made it just for you.  It’s called Impress-that-foreign-diplomat-kun,”  Anissina explained as she strapped Gwendal down in a chair adjacent to her most recent invention.  She taped some wires from the machine to the sides of Gwendal’s forehead.

 

Gwendal stopped frowning and began screaming.

 

“That’s much better,”  Anissina said approvingly as she began turning knobs and adjusting settings on the machine.  “Frowning all the time will just give you wrinkles.  And it’s good for your health to exercise your lungs once in a while.”

 

Anissina paused for a moment and wondered how boring grumpy Gwendal’s life would be if he didn’t have her around.  He would probably have become a mummified shell of a man, sitting at his desk with a piece of parchment permanently fused to his hand. 

 

“Mph…argh!” said Gwendal, apparently too overcome to be able to communicate effectively.

 

“There’s no need to thank me,”  Anissina said sweetly.  “I enjoy what I do.”  Then she flipped the switch that turned on her invention.

 

A bluish-green light enveloped Gwendal for a few moments.  Anissina watched in fascination, eager to find out if the Impress-that-foreign-diplomat-kun would work as intended.

 

But then something went wrong.  Perhaps all the feedback from Gwendal’s increased maryoku output was too much for the machine to handle.  Smoke and sparks billowed from the invention. There was a slight crunching of gears.  There was a fizzing sound as Gwendal’s altered maryoku was returned to him via the wire.

 

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” said Gwendal.

 

Gwendal was out of breath and panting.  Some live sparks glittered in the middle of scorch marks on his hair and uniform.

 

“Well, that’s not impressive at all,” Anissina remarked.

 

Even the greatest scientists and inventors had failures.  It was nothing to be ashamed of.   In fact, it was something to be proud of, since all mistakes and failures were an opportunity to learn and improve.

 

“The Impress-that-foreign-diplomat-kun is a…FAILURE!”  Anissina exclaimed happily.

 

Then she threw a smaller chunk of left-over sodium in a bucket of water to celebrate.

 

BOOM!  GUSH!

 

Surprisingly Gwendal didn’t appreciate the fact that the resulting water shower put out all the remaining sparks.  He simply ran out of the room as soon as she untied him.

 

Oh well.  Gwendal had unique ways of showing affection.  She was certain that he was too shy to thank her for curing his grumpiness yet again.

 

 (1) Helminth=A parasitic worm<br />  
(2) Kairomone= A chemical produced by an organism that benefits the recipient, which is an individual of a different species.

 

 


	2. Arrival of the Boy King

_The sun rose lazily over verdant hills, casting its saffron light over all it encountered.  The rays of gold emanated from that single point, traveling in glowing lines, then exploding into a prism of color when reflected in the glistening drops of morning dew that hung on every blade of grass.  But all the splendor of the sun as it caressed the countryside in its many forms could not compare to the ethereal beauty of the boy-king, His Most Royal Beloved Majesty, King Saralegui._

_His Royal Majesty was currently perched on an edge of a crimson colored velvet carriage seat. One hand was tenderly placed under a perfectly sculpted chin. His round lavender-colored glasses partially obscured his striking chartreuse eyes.  And his long flowing hair hung forward, enveloping his body in a flaxen veil so heavenly that no man-made material could ever hope to compare in beauty or fineness._

_His long flowing robes, made of the finest silk had been crafted by poor, lowly subjects who rejoiced at the opportunity to callously murder some silk worm larvae for the glory of his Majesty.  To see his Majesty so wondrously clothed was their only thanks, and they were eternally grateful to have such a benevolent King._

_And King Saralegui smiled softly to himself as he mentally prepared for the arduous tasks ahead…_

“Beries, what are you reading?”  Sara asked, glancing over at his bodyguard with a slightly annoyed look.  It was uncharacteristic for Beries to be so verbose.  Usually he was silent and observant.   But maybe Beries was as bored as Sara was by the long carriage ride.

 

“The Epic Journey of His Most Royal Majesty King Saralegui-(may he live forever) to the Land of the Ferocious Super-Evil Man-Eating Demons,”  Beries replied proudly.

 

“How can it already be written if I haven’t finished the journey yet?”   Sara asked peevishly.

 

“It is being written right now.  I brought Melvin the court scribe along since he always writes such wonderful things about your Majesty,”  said Beries.

 

“Is that so?” Sara asked sweetly, noticing for the first time, a small non-descript human, who was furiously writing on some parchment in a far corner of the carriage. 

 

Melvin glanced up, startled at being noticed.

 

“Well, carry on then, Melvin,”   Sara continued with a smirk.  “Although I do hope for your sake that you are not being sarcastic. Unless of course, you would enjoy spending some time in the royal dungeons.”

 

Melvin gulped and hurriedly scribbled out a few words.  Then he continued writing.

 

Sara sighed and leaned back into the plush carriage cushions.  His hand grazed against Beries’ arm, and he shivered, wondering why his bodyguard always seemed to have such a cold body temperature.

 

~o~

 

 

“I wonder what his Majesty Saralegui will be like,”  Sangria said dreamily.

 

“I heard that he is as beautiful as any woman,”  Lazania said.

 

The maids _oohed_ and _aahed_ over this new fact.

 

“I’ve also heard that he is close friends with His Majesty King Yuuri,”  Lazania continued.

 

“What will Lord von Blielfeld think of that?”  asked Doria.

 

“Things should get interesting,”  Lazania said.  “Especially since Lord Weller isn’t around…” 

 

The maids continued to whisper and giggle as they continued about their daily chores.

 

~o~

 

Lady Anissina von Karbelnikoff sipped her morning coffee while listening to the idle chatter of the maids.  She closed her eyes and shook her head.  _Silly girls!_   Think of all they could accomplish if they directed all that energy and enthusiasm towards science instead of gossiping.  Still, she supposed it was mostly harmless amusement. 

 

Anissina glanced over and noticed that Greta was copying her posture as she sipped her juice. 

 

Anissina felt a sense of accomplishment.  She finished her coffee and looked over at Greta again.  Greta gulped down the rest of her juice and smiled up at Anissina.

 

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,”  Anissina said approvingly.  “You need to have enough energy for learning…and of course, practicing science.”

 

“Okay!”  Greta shouted as she bounced from the room happily.

 

Young children needed good role models.  And there was no better role model in Shin Makoku than the infamous Poison Lady.

 

~o~

 

A carrier pigeon landed on the window sill outside Lord Gwendal von Voltaire’s office.  Gwendal opened the window, and removed the message from the pigeon’s pack.  Gwendal’s brow furrowed and his frown became deeper as he read the message.

 

_Hey Boss,_

_The captain decided it’s time for the return of the Blue Wind in Dai Shimaron (and not just because he had seafood last night)._

_I’ve decided to join him for a while.  Hope you don’t mind!_

_Hugs and Kisses,  XXOO_

_~Yozak_

 

 

Gwendal crumpled the piece of paper and wondered why he always had to be the responsible one.  Every one else always ran about doing whatever they felt like. But not Gwendal.  He was responsible and hard-working.  Surely the castle would implode in a flurry of undone paperwork and insane inventions if Gwendal ever decided to become irresponsible, or Shinou forbid, take a vacation.

 

Gwendal’s thoughts were interrupted as Gunter, Yuuri, and Wolfram entered his office.

 

“Oh Majesty,” Gunter effused. “It will be such an honor to witness your historic diplomatic meeting with King Saralegui.”

 

“Hmmph!”   said Wolfram.  “Saralegui better not try anything underhanded again.”

 

“Wolfram,” Yuuri said as he put a hand on Wolfram’s arm.  “I’m sure Sara didn’t really mean any of those things he did before.  Besides,”  Yuuri continued brightly,  “The best way to show Sara how to become more trustworthy is to give him a good example.  Which means we need to trust him completely, of course.”

 

Gwendal’s eye twitched.  Just then Greta and Anissina walked into the office.

 

“Gwendal, you still look grumpy and stressed,” Anissina pointed out.   “Maybe what you need is-”

 

“What I NEED is for everyone to focus on their duties,”   said Gwendal.

 

“Hey, does anyone know where Conrad is?”  Yuuri asked, looking around. 

 

“I hope that flakey brother of mine didn’t run off again,” Wolfram said.

 

Gwendel’s eye twitched.  “Conrart is in Dai Shimaron with Yozak,” he said gruffly.

 

“WHAT!”  Yuuri shouted.   “Conrad left again?  Don’t we have to get him back?”

 

“There’s no time for that now,” Gwendel said.  “King Saralegui will be arriving in a few hours.”

 

“Don’t worry wimp,” Wolfram said while placing his hand on the hilt of his sword.  “I’ll protect you.”

 

“I don’t need anyone to protect me,” Yuuri protested.  “And don’t call me a wimp!”

 

“Well you are.”  Wolfram huffed.  “And King Saralegui is-”

 

“Wolfram!”  Gwendel interrupted. “Try not to start any international incidents this afternoon.

 

Wolfram scowled, then pouted at his older brother, but didn’t say anything else.

 

Then there was a knock at the door.

 

“Hey,” Murata said while he entered the room with José, “Look who Shinou decided to send for a visit!”

 

“Why did Shinou send José here?”  Yuuri asked perplexed.

 

“I don’t know, Shibuya,”  Murata answered.  “You know how he gets sometimes.”

 

Yuuri blanched.  Yes, Shinou was a being of many moods.  Most of them were not pleasant.

 

“Maybe he’s a replacement for Lord Weller’s jokes,”  Murata suggested with a wink.

 

“Eh?” Yuuri said while trying to remember if José told jokes. He seemed to remember a few, but José wasn’t really around all that often.

 

José seemed to sense he was on the spot.  Although there was nothing more difficult than being funny on demand, José was pretty good. He scratched his head for a minute.  Then his face lit up with a smile “Oh I know one, and it’s really funny.”  His face stretched into a grin.  “You’ll die laughing when you hear it.  What did the _Pythium_ say when it sat on the hot stove?”

 

Murata groaned and face-palmed.   Yuuri wondered why.

 

José paused dramatically before supplying the punchline to his joke.  “Oomycete!”

 

Gwendal’s frown deepened. 

 

Greta shrieked with laughter, since it was a joke that could still sound funny, even if you didn’t know much about fungal-like organisms.

 

Then they heard a squealing sound come from down the hall.

 

“Apparently mother is back from one of her journeys,” Gwendel muttered.

 

Celi burst into the room, and descended upon Yuuri.  “Oh Your Majesty,” she said while squishing his face against her ample cleavage.

 

“Mother!” Wolfram yelled.

 

“What’s the matter, Wolfie?”   Celi asked while giving Yuuri another squeeze.     
“Jealous?  Do you want some attention too?”  Celi  dropped Yuuri and pulled Wolfram into a boob hug.

 

“Mother,” Gwendal said with an eye twitch, “What are you wearing?”

 

“I’m wearing my red superhero outfit of course!”  She said with a giggle.  “It always makes things so much more fun!” 

 

“If you added a little more glitter to your outfit you’d look like Sandra Sandoval!”  José said with a grin.

 

“Who?” asked Yuuri.

 

“And José gets points for obscure pop culture reference number one!”  Murata said, while making a note on a pad of paper.

 

“Mother.  If you must participate in the diplomatic meeting, please change into something more respectable.”

 

“Oh Gwennie, you’re no fun,”  Celi said with a pout.  Then she brightened up as an idea struck her.  “Come on, Greta,” she cooed. “Do you want to try on some of the beautiful dresses that Grandma bought for you?”

 

“Ok!”  Greta squealed.

 

Gwendal rubbed the side of his forehead.  He could feel a tension headache coming on. 

 

~o~

 

An excerpt from _The Epic Journey of His Most Royal Majesty King Saralegui-(may he live forever) to the Land of the Ferocious Super-Evil Man-Eating Demons_ , written by Melvin the lowly court scribe, who of course does not even know the meaning of the word ‘sarcastic’.

 

_The carriage came to rest outside of the ominous_ _Blood_ _Pledge_ _Castle_ _.  And a cursed place it was, living up to its name.  The windows were dark and splashed with blood.  Random shrieks and screams could be heard from within the bowels of that wretched place._

_And then, King Saralegui, enveloped in a halo of light, descended from his carriage.  He paused for a moment to tilt his head toward the sky and tuck a wisp of his flaxen hair behind his ear._

_Then a creature so black that the sun was nearly blotted out stood at the entrance to the cursed castle.  His red eyes looked as if they could burn a path straight to Hades.  He opened his gigantic mouth filled with sharp teeth and made an unintelligible roar that sounded something like “Sara!”_

_Far from being afraid, the heroic, most brave, courageous King Saralegui smiled.  And it was a bright smile that would surely rival any precious gem in its shine.  “Yuuuuuuri,”  he trilled in a silken dulcet tone. Even hosts of angles with heavenly instruments could never hope to rival the ethereal beauty of the boy-kings voice._

_A deformed bird creature cried out “Bad omen.”_

_And a glob of bird feces landed on top of King Saralegui’s most sacred hair._


	3. The Extremely Productive and Effective Royal Diplomatic Meeting of His Royal Majesty King Saralegui, Noble Ruler of Shou Shimaron, and His Royal Majesty King Yuuri Shibuya 27th Maou of Shin Makoku.

_Then the valiantly brave young boy-king did venture into_ _Blood_ _Pledge_ _Castle_ _.  And that cursed place lived up to its name indeed, for it was five times more terrifying and gut-wrenching within than it had appeared from the outside._

_Surely only a demon-king could live in such a lair._

_Moss and unidentifiable substances coated the frigid, dank stonework that lined the interior of each wretched gloomy corridor.   The air was thick and putrid, with a hint of sulfur, making each breath difficult._

_But the richly-garbed young king pressed bravely on, stopping only to remove the bird excrement from his silken hair in one of the washrooms._

_Then the most gracious boy-king did turn and bestow a slight smile upon the loyal subjects who had dared follow him to such a ghastly place.  And it was a smile so full of grace and elegance that it did appear to lighten the gloomy corridors, if only for a few minutes._

_-The Epic Journey of His Most Royal Majesty King Saralegui-(may he live forever) to the Land of the Ferocious Super-Evil Man-Eating Demons._

 

 

After the bad omen bird poop had been washed out of Saralegui’s hair, they all entered the conference room to get started with their diplomatic meeting.

 

“I see that Lord Weller isn’t present,” noted Sara.

 

“Lord Weller is currently occupied with other duties,”  Gwendal said with a twitch of his eyebrow.

 

Beries looked disappointed.

 

“I suppose that can’t be helped,”   Sara said as he sat down next to Yuuri.  “Shall we get started with the meeting, _Yuuri_?”

 

Wolfram sat down on Yuuri’s other side and started glaring at King Saralegui.  Gwendal sat down on the opposite side of the table and glared at all three of them as he started sorting through his papers for the meeting.  Murata sat down next to Gwendal, and watched Saralegui, Yuuri, and Wolfram with an amused smile on his face.  Anissina sat down at a far end of the table so she could watch everything that happened.  As much as she would have preferred to be in her lab right now, she made a point of keeping up on political happenings.  José sat down next to her.

 

Anissina frowned.  There was something about the way that Beries hovered near King Saralegui that reminded her of Raven and Stoffel.   Could there be some sort of connection between the two dark-haired, purple-eyed men?  If there was, what did they want? Maybe she was just imagining it though.  But after everything that Stoffel had done, one couldn’t be too careful.  She resolved to keep an eye on Saralegui.

 

Melvin pulled a chair towards one of the windows, sat down and began writing.

 

“Who’s that?”  Yuuri asked as he noticed Melvin.

 

“One of my court scribes,”  Sara explained.  “Beries brought him along to document this meeting.”

 

“Oh, what a wonderful idea!”  said Gunter.  “If Your Majesty King Yuuri will allow me the pleasure and honor of doing the same, I will go find some parchment in order to document this truly noble historic event!”

 

“Umm, I guess you can if you want,”  Yuuri said uncertainly.

 

“Oh, his Majesty is too kind to bestow such an honor upon me, Gunter von Kliest,”  Gunter said as he hugged Yuuri and ran out of the room.  “I will do my best not to disappoint you!”

 

Then they all waited for Gunter to go find some parchment.  They sat in silence for a few minutes.

 

 “Humor is a good way to break the tension in situations like this.” José said. “Does anyone want to hear a joke?” 

 

“No,”  said Gwendal with a frown.

 

“Don’t worry, it’s not you, he’s just always this grumpy,”  Anissina whispered to José.

 

Then Gunter ran back into the room dramatically.  “Oh, Majesty, I was unable to find parchment sufficiently glorious enough for writing down the epic tale of your noble doings.”  He hugged Yuuri and sobbed.  “I hope this ordinary paper will suffice.”

 

“I-ah, I’m sure that’s fine, Gunter,”   Yuuri said as he tried to pry himself loose from Gunter’s embrace.

 

“Let’s begin,”  Gwendal said with an annoyed glance at Gunter’s theatrics.

 

Gunter took a seat near Melvin.  Melvin glanced up, narrowed his eyes and continued writing.  Gunter leaned over to try and get a glimpse of what Melvin was writing.  Melvin gave him a dirty look and pulled the papers away.  Gunter gasped in hurt indignation and set about writing on his own papers.  Every once in a while one of the two writers would pause to give the other a calculating look.

 

Gwendal cleared his throat and began talking.  “I think we would all agree that strengthening diplomatic ties between our two countries would be beneficial at this time,”  he said as he shuffled through some papers in front of  him.  “I see that King Saralegui has proposed an increase in trade by reducing tariffs as a preliminary step to signing a more permanent alliance.”

 

“Well, what do you think, Yuuri?”  Sara asked as he leaned forward and stared into Yuuri’s eyes.

 

Wolfram turned beet-red and looked about to spontaneously combust.  Gwendal glared at his youngest brother.  Then Wolfram turned away and feigned indifference.

 

“I, uh, that sounds good, doesn’t it Gwendal?”  Yuuri said.  “In order to get humans and mazoku to trust each other more, they should have more contact with each other.”

 

“Oh Majesty,”  Gunter said, “I fear I will never be able to properly convey the noble greatness of your deeds and actions with mere words.”  Gunter wailed.

 

“I’m sure it’s fine, Gunter,”  Yuuri said.

 

“Oh, Your Majesty is too kind to his humble servants,”  Gunter said, “Allow me to read an excerpt that details your noble deeds.”

 

“Uh, you really don’t have to,”  Yuuri said uncomfortably.

 

Gunter ignored Yuuri’s objection, put a hand on his chest, and began reading, dramatically.  _“With a sparkle of his most noble majestic royal black eyes, His Majesty King Yuuri, 27 th Maou of Shin Makoku did commence the most imminently important diplomatic meeting between Shin Makoku and Shou Shimaron.”  _

“That’s wonderful, Yuuri,”  Sara said while running a hand up Yuuri’s arm.

 

“I hope I never have to read that in one of my history lessons.”  Yuuri muttered.

 

“That is an excellent idea, Your Majesty,”  said Gunter.  “I will look into making the documentation of this meeting a required reading for all schoolchildren in Shin Makoku.”

 

“Now all the kids here will have a reason to hate me,”  Yuuri said with a groan as he slumped forward onto the table.

 

“Mmm that’s an excellent idea, Lord von Kliest,”  said Saralegui.  “But I wonder what Melvin wrote?  Perhaps we could use both versions as history lessons,”  Saralegui said as he cocked his head to the side.  “Beries, why don’t you go read an excerpt from Melvin’s writing?”

 

“Of course, King Saralegui,”  Beries said.  He bowed respectfully to his king, then walked over and picked up one of Melvin’s papers.

 

“ _But within the blackened hole of villainy and filth, there emerged a voice of reason.  And the dulcet tones of the young boy-king filled the dark room with warmth and joy.  The demon king was so moved by King Saralegui’s heavenly voice that he did agree to a reasonable position regarding the trade negotiations between the two countries.  Then a silver tinged wraith did interrupt the noblest proceedings with his obnoxious dull clanging voice…”_

“How could anyone ever write such a thing?”  sobbed Gunter.  “How could anyone be so inept at their job as to neglect to mention that King Yuuri is most royal double-black 27th demon king of Shin Makoku?”

 

“Oh dear,”  Saralegui with a barely contained smirk.  “It appears there are going to be two very different versions of what happened.”

 

“Uh, I’m sure we can sort all this out later,”  Yuuri said while scratching his head.  “It’s always good to have two versions of a story, right?”

 

“Oh Majesty, you are too diplomatic and kind.”  Gunter said.  “But what about my voice?   Is it really dull and clanging?  Have I been bothering Your Majesty with my interruption?”

 

“Could we please get back to the topic at hand?”  Gwendal rumbled.

 

“Ha, ha, ha, where were we?”  Yuuri asked as he laughed nervously.

 

“We were discussing reducing the tariffs in order to stimulate trade between Shin Makoku and Shou Shimaron.”  Gwendal said.

 

“Oh, right.  And that’s a good idea, right?”

 

“Hmmph!”  said Wolfram.  “I still don’t trust King Saralegui.”

 

“Oh, but it appears you are the only one opposed to the deal, Lord von Blielfeld,”   said Sara sweetly.

 

“I’m not opposed to the deal,”  Wolfram said.  “Yuuri knows what he’s doing.  I’m just opposed to you.”

 

“Is that so?”  Sara asked with a predatory smile.

 

“Well, that’s settled,”   Yuuri said loudly before Wolfram could say anything else.  “We can sign everything later. Maybe now we should all take a break to drink some tea and get something to eat.” 

 

“That sounds excellent, Yuuri,”  Sara trilled.

 

Everyone else also agreed that this was a good idea.  It was hard to work on an empty stomach.

 

Before he stood up, King Saralegui coughed discretely into a silken handkerchief and placed it on the table near Yuuri’s hand.  No-one noticed but Anissina.  She waited until everyone else had left the room, then picked up the handkerchief and placed it in a vial that she had conveniently brought with her. 

 

Now that the Poison Lady had used her superior skills of observation to find a potential clue, she would rely on her amazing laboratory skills to get to the bottom of this mystery.  José could help too, if he wanted, since he knew some things about science as well.

 

“Let’s go back to my lab,”  Anissina said as she dragged José down the hallway.

 

“I guess that could be fun,”  said José.  “Can we eat first?”

 

“Science always comes first,”  Anissina informed him.

And indeed it did.


	4. Lessons in Feminism and Parasitology

Light glinted off shelves of carefully arranged glassware.  The Poison Lady’s laboratory was flawlessly organized and cleaned, as any incredibly awesome science lab ought to be. Yet beneath the immaculate organization there were subtle signs of the Poison Lady’s genius.  Scorch marks dotted the brickwork in testimony to her unwavering dedication to science.  Pits dotted the lab bench in memory of spilled drops of caustic substances.  Hastily scribbled lab notes were bound up in an overstuffed lab book of awesome knowledge for any who dared read its contents. 

 

“My favorite part about traveling is getting to see new cultures,” José said as he peered into one of the Petri dishes on the lab bench.

 

“Never mind that,”  Anissina said  as she took out her vial and emptied the contents onto a tray. “This is going to be much more interesting than Gwendal’s toenail fungus.”

 

“Eh, what’s that?”  Jose asked.

 

“King Saralegui’s handkerchief,”  Anissina replied, “I caught him placing it near the Maou after coughing up something.  And now I’m going to find out what it is.  I’m sure it’s a parasite of some kind,” she said while positioning the tray beneath her now-you-can-see-tiny-things-kun.

 

José looked at the tiny creature under Anissina’s now-you-can-see-tiny-things-kun.  He was impressed that despite the fact that the invention looked as if it was about to fly away and perch on the ceiling, it functioned exactly like an Earth microscope.  He focused the invention, and stared at the tiny wriggling form attached to Saralegui’s handkerchief.  “I found something!” he exclaimed.

 

Anissina looked over and frowned. It was a creature she had never seen before, and identifying worms wasn’t her forte.  She specialized in blowing things up and making monster inventions.

 

“It looks like Platy-chan is some type of parasitic worm,” José said after a long pause.

 

“Platy-chan?”

 

“Everyone needs a name,” José explained, “Besides, he looks like a Platy-chan.”

 

Anissina allowed José to have his moment of non-scientific whimsy.  No-one was perfect.

 

“From the cell structure, it looks like the parasite is part nematode and trematode, or roundworm and flukeworm.  The shape is somewhat flattened and slug-like, like a fluke, but Platy-chan also appears to have both male and female genitalia.  
  
”Really? Anissina asked as she leaned over to get another look.  

“Yep, he’s not just a fluke!”

 

“Now, now,” said Anisssina, “Since Platy-chan has both male parts and female parts, it is improper to use male pronouns,”  Anissina’s eyes glinted as she warmed to the subject, “Platy-chan is a ‘xe’(1).”

 

“But Platy-chan is just a worm,”  José said. “Does it really matter what pronoun we use?”

 

Anissina slammed her hands down on the lab bench, “That sort of thinking leads to creeping paternalism!   If you arbitrarily make male the default for a parasitic worm, where are you going to draw the line?  No creature, no matter how small, should ever be forced into an unsuitable gender role,”  Anissina said while striking a dramatic pose to emphasize the importance of her words.

José nodded in agreement.

“Now let’s run some tests to find out what kind of worm xe is.”  Anissina said with a cheerful grin.

 

Anissina added distilled water to the tray, and Platy-chan swam around happily.  Anissina watched xir with a thoughtful expression on her face.  “Platy-chan is some type of internal parasite, but what does xe feed on?”

 

“Lots of parasites feed on blood or organ tissues.  They take energy from their hosts in one form or another.”

 

“Energy?”  Anissina asked as her eyes began to shine, “That gives me an idea.  Let’s find out what will happen to Platy-chan if we run a current of Maryoku through the water.”

Anissina said while taking down a convienient Maryoku battery that she happened to have.  Every once in a while she used Gwendal’s Maryoku to recharge them.

 

“Wait!  That could-”  José began.

 

Anissina cut him off with a maniacal laugh, “What fun is science if you never take any risks?”  she asked as she attached the wires from the battery to either side of Platy-chan’s  tray and flipped a switch.  

 

The water glowed a light green color for a few minutes before stopping.

 

“Out of batteries already,”   Anissina said.   

 

José leaned over to take a look.  “Platy-chan grew!”   José observed.   And indeed, Platy-chan was now three inches long.

 

“So xe feeds on Maryoku,” Anissina said triumphantly, “And whatever type of magic King Saralegui has a well.  Now we just need to find out how xe will grow up.”  Anissina paused in thought for a moment.   “Wait here,” she said to José, “I’ll be right back.”

 

As José waited, he heard a thump and a crash, and a short time later, Anissina returned to the lab, dragging Gwendal behind her.

 

“Gwendal, it’s time to recharge the batteries,”  Anissina said.

 

“I don’t have time for this now,” Gwendal said, “The diplomatic meeting with King Saralegui is going to continue in a few minutes.”

 

 

“But this is important,”  said Anissina,  “Look what Saralegui coughed up.”  Anissina pointed towards the tray containing Platy-chan, the parasitic worm.

 

Gwendel stared at Platy-chan.  Platy-chan stared back.  Gwendel’s  eyebrow twitched.  Then with a yell that would have made Tarzan proud, Gwendel scooped Platy-chan up in his hand and ran out of the lab.

 

“Gwendel doesn’t appreciate science as much as he should,”  Anissina commented.

 

 

(1) Xe is a gender-neutral pronoun sometimes used in science fiction. As in:  xe, xem, xir, xirs, xirself


	5. The Confrontation

As she ran out into the castle hallway, Anissina noticed that Gwendal had already disappeared.  "Oh well," she said.  "Gwendal never did appreciate science.  José, let's go get our specimen back."

 

“I don't know about that, Gwendal seemed pretty determined," said Jose.   "Couldn’t we just ask Saralegui if he would cough up another parasitic worm for us?"

 

"Hmm, maybe we can figure out something later," said the Poison Lady.  "In the meantime, let’s go see what Gwendal is doing."  Her eyes glittered.  Gwendal had unintentially offered himself as a future test subject in all experiments involving Platy-chan.

 

Anissina and Jose ran down the castle hallway until they found Murata, Yuuri and Wolfram gathered outside Gwendal’s office.

 

Yuuri tugged on the doorknob to Gwendal's office.  It was locked.   “Aren't we supposed to continue the meeting with Sara?” he asked. 

 

"Your Majesty, there is something you should know about King Saralegui-” Anissina began.

 

Yuuri turned.  “What?  That Sara’s my friend?  I already know that.”

 

“No,” Anissina answered gravely.  “I found a creature that King Saralegui coughed up.  Dr. Rodriguez identified it as a parasitic worm, and we discovered that it feeds on maryoku, but then Gwendal stole the worm before we could conduct more tests.”

 

“Ok,”   said Yuuri.   “Wait, what does that mean?”

 

“You should have paid more attention in science, Shibuya.  If Saralegui is infested by parasitic worms, he could easily infect others.  Especially you.”

 

“Uh, ok.  Hey maybe we should ask Gwendal about the worm,” Yuuri suggested.  He tried the knob again.  It was still locked.

 

“I think Lord von Voltaire is distracted,” said Murata with a smirk.

 

“It’s important to work together,” José said, “If you aren’t a part of the solution, it means-”

 

Yuuri brightened up.  “You’re a part of the problem?”  he suggested.

 

“No, you’re a part of the precipitate!  Get it?”  José laughed loudly at his own joke.

 

Anissina face palmed and considered requesting that Shinou send a scientist who didn’t think he had a sense of humor next time.  José’s jokes were nearly as bad as Conrad’s.   At least she didn’t have to deal with the two men at the same time.  She shuddered internally at the thought.  That would be bad, like _attack of the pun wars_ bad.  It was almost too horrible to contemplate.

 

Yuuri tried the door again.  It was still locked.  “How are we going to talk with Gwendal if the door is still locked?”  he asked.

 

They were interrupted by Wolfram.  "Wimp, let me open the door," he said as he produced a tiny fireball that melted the lock.  The door swung open.  “Brother,” Wolfram shouted, “Where’s the worm you stole from Anissina?”

 

Gwendal didn't answer.  They entered his office to find Gwendal working on drawing up some documents.  Platy-chan was coiled around his hand. 

 

"Brother, what is that...thing," Wolfram asked as he wrinkled his nose.

 

"Xe’s the parasitic worm that Saralegui coughed up," Anissina said proudly. 

 

"What?"  Yuuri yelled.

 

“Like Anissina explained, Platy-chan is a type of parasitic worm who has characteristics similar to both nematodes and trematodes on Earth,” explained José.  “Though I wonder if the maryoku experiment in Anissina’s lab changed Platy-chan somehow, because xe should have tried burrowing into Gwendal by now.  Maybe Platy-chan can externally feed off the maryoku of xir  host.”

 

Gwendal stepped forward, Platy-chan held protectively close to his body.  For xir part, Platy-chan snuggled contentedly on Gwendal’s hand.

 

“Keep that thing away from me,” said Wolfram.

 

“Now, now Wolfram,”  Anissina admonished.  “Platy-chan is a very important piece of evidence.”

 

“Evidence of what?”  Wolfram demanded.

 

“That something odd is going on with Saralegui, and quite possibly Beries.”

 

The others in the room gasped.

 

“What led you to come to that conclusion, Lady von Karbelnikoff?”  Murata asked.

 

Anissina straightened up proudly.  “I based my hypothesis on scientific observation and well-informed conjecture.  Since Saralegui coughed up Platy-chan, Saralegui must be the host.   But where did his infection come from.  And then it occurred to me:  who is always by Saralegui’s side and looking out for him?  Who wants Sara to attain more power?  Who resembles Raven nearly as much as Sara resembles Stoffel?”

 

The others gasped in shock again.

 

“Yes, it’s probably true,” Anissina continued sadly.  “Stoffel was most likely a host for Raven’s parasite babies, which is why they were always together and Stoffel thirsted after power so much.  He only wanted to support the many wormy babies that were growing in his belly.”

 

“That’s a pretty good hypothesis, Lady von Karbelnikoff,” Murata said with a glint of his glasses.  “But what does it mean for King Saralegui and Beries?”

 

“It means that we are all in great danger from Beries,” Anissina concluded.  “Saralegui is his host, and he will do anything to keep us from standing in his way, or possibly informing Saralegui.”

 

Just then they heard a sound from the hall.  Anissina darted out the door and ran down the hall to confront the wormy eavesdropper.  Soon, the fearless Poison Lady stood next to Beries.  “I know what you are,” she said.

 

Beries’ eyes narrowed as he stared down at her.

 

A wormy tentacle shot out and wrapped itself around Anissina’s waist, lifting her up into the air.

 

“You’ll never defeat me, Poison Lady,”  The monster breathed in what could be considered a parody of poorly written monster dialogue from a B movie.

 

Anissina narrowed her eyes.  “You’re no match for the Poison Lady, worm!”

 

Then she reached into one of her voluminous pockets and felt around.  Her fingers wrapped around a chalky object.   Ah, yes.  The sodium that his Eminence had given to her.  The parasite was made of mostly water, as were humans of course, but the parasite had a lot more unbound water.  It would probably explode and die a wormy death if she threw the metal into a vulnerable part.

 

With a splash and explosion, the creature before her would exist no more.

 

And she would be the hero that defeated the monster.  Her hand tightened around the sodium in determination.

 

Beries raised a threatening tentacle.

 

“Beries, wait!”  Sara shouted from down the hall.

 

Beries turned abruptly and his tentacles drooped.  Anissina was released and fell to the floor.   She scuttled out of the way, and waited.  She put the sodium back in her pocket, close at hand, just in case.

 

“Beries, is this true?”  Sara asked incredously.  “Are you really a…parasite?”

 

Beries crawled over and knelt down in front of his King.  “I apologize Your Majesty; as you can see, it is indeed true,”  he whispered and held up a slimy tentacle as evidence.  “But, it was never my intention to cause Your Majesty any distress.”  Tears formed in the corners of his eyes.  “I hope in time, you will be generous enough to forgive me.”  Beries bowed his head.  “Until then, you may deal with me as you see fit.”

 

“Beries,”  Sara breathed in awe. “All this time, you were using me?”

 

The swordsman flinched, but unwaveringly remained bowed in front of his King.

 

“Beries, you mean too much to me, you’ve done so much for me.”  Sara paused as a tear glistened in the corner of his eye.  “I still care about you, Beries, even if you are a parasitic worm,” Sara concluded.

 

Beries gasped and glanced up in shock.  “Your Majesty!”  he exclaimed in disbelief.

 

Murata, Yuuri, Wolfram, Gwendal, José, and Celi arrived on the scene.

 

“No matter what you may be, you are still my protector and friend, Beries,”  Sara concluded.  Then he drew Beries into a hug.

 

Yuuri was happy that there was a peaceful solution.  “I’m so happy you have another friend, Sara.”

 

Sara looked up with misty eyes.  “I am too, Yuuri.  Thank you for teaching me so much about friendship.”  Sara took another shaky breath.  “It doesn’t matter who or what someone is, if they’re your friend, you love them for who they are.”

 

Yuuri beamed happily.

 

“I think we’ve accomplished enough for one diplomatic meeting, Yuuri.”  Sara turned back to Beries.  “Beries, let’s go home.”

 

Gwendal cleared his throat.  “And the parasite King Saralegui coughed up?”

 

“You can keep xir,”  Saralegui offered generously.

 

Gwendal turned to Anissina.

 

“Xe doesn’t appear to be an internal parasite, so yes, you can keep xir,”  Anissina said.  “Although you need to promise to allow further testing just to be certain.

 

Gwendal nodded. 

 

“Love conquers all,”   squealed Celi.  Then she gave everyone a hug.  “Oh Gwennie, I’m so happy you found another pet.”

 

Gwendal blushed and mumbled something, but he seemed pleased.

 

Then Celi pulled Anissina, Yuuri, and Murata into a giant hug.   “We’ve managed to save the kingdom once again and, most importantly, true love prevailed.  Isn’t life wonderful?”

 

And so they all lived happily ever after.  Gwendal got to keep Platy-chan as an adorable pet, Anissina got unlimited test subject hours on weekends, and even Wolfram came to appreciate Platy-chan’s adorableness after a while. Yuuri was able to avert hostilities between the two countries, while Melvin’s literary masterpiece: _The Epic Journey of His Most Royal Majesty King Saralegui-(may he live forever) to the Land of the Ferocious Super-Evil Man-Eating Demons_ plagued history students in Shou Shimaron for generations to come, King Saralegui gave birth to many wormy parasites, and Beries was a proud father.

 

**The End**

 

 


End file.
